Monday, September 13, 2010

This time Darlin' I know why

"This time Darling its Not the Same." What? What is not the same this time? I have to ask myself that sometimes, What is not the same?
It is not often that this question surfaces but often enough. How many times have we said, that's it? How many times have we sworn, this is the final straw? Often? I know I have. Sometimes I say it over and over again. Each time I am intent that this will be the end, but yet I find myself in the same situation later. So what pushes us to say "This time Darling, it's Not the Same?"
For me, when I quit smoking, it was when I decided it was more important for me to be their for my kids later in life than to enjoy a cigarette now. And that was that.
My departure from Kansas? That was a funny one. My wife and I swore for years we were leaving. We said so often, "we are leaving in a year," that it just became routine. For ten years we said it, then eventually we stopped. Figured it was washed up. The phrase had no meaning anymore. But then, the situation changed and here we are.
I think it is interesting that often times we can look back on the drastic changes in our lives and clearly see the point that things changed. And the change was so significant that we can say within uncertainty that was when our decision stuck. For good or bad.
One single event can become such a drastic part of our lives yet sometimes it goes by unnoticed. I guess that's where self-reflection comes in handy. I used to have a 40 mile commute to work. It wasn't through heavy traffic, although at times I would have to go around combines and tractors, nor was it through the city. My commute was instead cut through the middle of milo, wheat, corn and sunflowers. Pheasants were plump, turkeys were frequent and my competition on the road was often a deer. Thankfully they moved out of the way.
After a while I found it more relaxing to turn off the radio, roll down the window some and listen to the birds sing. The early morning song of a red-wing blackbird or and oriel is very peaceful. Eventually this would lead to thought. Thought that was directed inward upon myself.
Self-reflection. In that 30-35 minute drive I was able to sort out things in my head, view problems from a different angle, and sometimes, find that point when a situation changed so much that I could decisively say, "This Time Darling It's Not The Same."
This time was helpful. Truly. It allowed me to face my inner self on more than one occasion and come to grips with issues that otherwise could have gone unsettled. Did it make me a better person? I don't know. I try not to concern myself with things like that. What it did do, however, was help me to come to better understanding of how I thought and felt. Plus, it made me appreciate the early morning serenade of feathered minstrels.
I don't have that commute anymore. So I find other ways to find that time. Sometimes it is an early morning walk or light jog, other times it is a moment of solitude.
In that moment though, in any moment where I can isolate myself like this and enter into my own mind, I find that the world appears to be on hold. For that single moment I become the center of my universe. Time slows, the wind blows with less intensity and I am at peace with more than just myself. I am a third person looking at my life and seeing it with a more objective point of view. I am able to see why I did things, what prompted a decision here, and and what point enough truly became enough.
The world comes back, slowly at first then with a rush like a wave crashing on a beach. You can almost see the crescendo building and then the crash of the cymbals and beating of the drums. My feet mirror the drum beats as they slap down on the pavement moving me closer to home. Further from my isolation, yet closer to understanding.
"This Time Darling Its Not the Same", and now, I know why.